Stripped in Thailand: My Ping Pong Show Experience

Random American tourist: Hey, I thought this was supposed to be a live sex show also.
Me: It was. I think I was it.
Random American tourist: *bewildered look*
Me: *feeling like I was violated*

                 

                I wasn’t planning to visit Thailand when I did. Total frustration with the cold of Europe and meeting my sister forced me to make a last minute schedule change. I spent about three weeks in Bangkok before agreeing to meet my sister in Phuket, a place I had no desire to visit because I’m not much of a beach person. Flight was only $60 and I promised to meet up with her for the Full Moon Party so what the hell. And off I go.

                Upon arriving in Phuket I’m immediately bombarded by all the “touristy” grandeur of Phuket. The annoying touts, rip off taxi’s, and overpriced hotels. But hey, I’m on vacation. After being taken to the wrong hostel and struggling through the streets I ended up at Kool Backpackers Hostel. Just so happens it’s located smack dab in the middle of Bangla Road.

                Bangla Road is one of those places where Thailand perpetuates the stereotypes you see in the movies. Alcohol, Drugs, Prostitutes, Lady Boys, Monkeys. If it’s seedy and overpriced you can bet it’s on Bangla Road. The number one attraction, PING PONG SHOWS. Mornings are filled with Lobster red European tourist heading to Patong Beach, and at nights are filled with booze up sex tourist and the touts looking to sucker them into a ping pong show. The night we ended up in one I had no intention of going.

                Our last day in Phuket/Patong Beach, before heading to the Phi Phi Islands, was supposed to be laid back. Me, my sister, and a guy we met at the hostel headed to the beach and to have lunch. We spent a few hours just beach bumming and chatting about our travels. Around 4pm we decided to head back to the hostel. Once we arrived my sister and I realized we were both tired from partying the night before and DEFINITELY NOT GOING OUT that night. I decided to take a nap and we could figure out where we would go for dinner that night. And this is where the fun begins.

                I have no idea what happened in the few hours I napped. I brushed my teeth and went to the lobby. There I found my sister bouncing off the walls with energy. WTF?!?!?! She was wired up. You know that crazy frat girl kind of wired up. Think Cher from the Clueless movie mixed with Speedy Gonzalez. She said, “HEY, want to go to a ping pong show”? Uhhhhhhh no. What happened to chilling? She proceeded to explain to me something about this group of backpacker kids that looked like they just rolled out of bed. I wasn’t listening simply because I didn’t care and didn’t want to go. I’ve experienced my fair share of erotic strip shows.

                I was in the U.S. military for over ten years. My career choice gave me the pleasure to spend time in Europe, Asia, and South America. It also introduced me to the seedier side of these places.  Young, full of testosterone, and pockets with money to burn. Not exactly a recipe for the  most pious trips. My protest went unheard. Yeah ok. Let’s have fun. The group was about ten deep. I hadn’t met any of them but my sister had apparently partied with some before. Everyone was laid back and chilled out. Except these two Aussie nuts. And I say that with love.

                Lets call them big Aussie and little Aussie. They were all of twenty years old,tops. In fact they smelled like baby milk mixed with liquor. These kids were FRESH and it showed. Now I only say this to point out my own flaw. I’m a bit competitive especially when in the company of douche bags (again, with love) and lovely ladies. Back to that later. Big Aussie kept going on and on and on about how he got us a great group discount from a tout he met earlier that day. He was going to get us the “hook up”. You don’t have to be from the streets to know a mark. Thai hustlers are on par with New York City hustlers. And this kid, was a mark.

                So the tout comes up and she seems friendly enough. Several of us kept asking the price but all we got was the run around. “They’ll tell you at the club.”  “It’s right down the street.”  “Not far.” Righttttttttt. I felt like we were being taken for a ride but I was already on it and my sister was basically doing cartwheels down the street. And if I’m being honest, the level of excitement these kids had of going to their first ping pong show kind of perked me up. 

                Bangla Street is FULL of touts selling ping pong shows. FULL. Nowhere in the world have I seen such aggressive touts in such high numbers. You say no to one and literally two feet later another one is grabbing your arm. Over and over. Once we arrived we went upstairs and I was relatively impressed. The club was kind of a small “round” set up. Similar to a comedy club in the states. Audience is dark and the stage is lit up with a bit of a cat walk set up. The show had already started, and what a show it was.

                Touts all have signs saying FREE SHOW, SEXY LADIES. ONLY BUY A DRINK. Well technically that’s true (sexy ladies is relative). The law prevents them from outright selling admission to the ping pong show. So they charge you 500baht (15usd) for a drink that you have to purchase upon arrival. THIS is why they wouldn’t tell us the price outside. Old trick but no big deal. So we were seated right next to the stage (my feet were literally resting on the edge of the stage) and ordered our drinks. The show had already begun. A rather short pudgy woman danced and gyrated on stage. Every so often she would pull something out of her vagina. Razor blades, soda (she turned clear soda into dark soda. don’t want to know how that happened), and various other things. But what REALLY got the show start was when things got “crazy”.

                So about 30 minutes into the show, she comes back out after an intermission of sorts. She’s walking around the stage just dancing and gyrating for about 15 sec seconds. Then all of a sudden she spread her legs and BOOP!!!! A live gerbil falls out and scurries all over the stage. All wet and confused. Poor little guy. The room absolutely exploded with screams of horror, laughter, and confusion. From then on, it was a party.

                The show was broken up between two “acts”. The “ping pong” girl doing the vagina tricks and three lovely burlesque style dancers. The dancers would come out and do little skits and such. They would also do audience participation stuff. So back to my earlier point of being a bit competitive.  The entire show the Aussie’s were running their mouths. The dancers constantly asked for volunteers and they would get quiet. Hiding behind our group. One time in particular the girls came out with a couple towels, an massage mat, and some oils. They then asked for volunteers. The room fell silent. As the awkward moment lingered the Aussie’s began to goad me. I don’t particularly care but I agree simply because this was getting a bit boring. Plus I could use a nice Thai massage. Oh was I wrong wrong wrong.

                I walk on stage with the oh so lovely ladies surrounding me. And they begin to remove my clothes. Three lovely women seductively taking off your clothes is a quite pleasant experience not many men can claim to have experienced. Now I thought it was going to end once my shirt and pants came off. Nope. Covered by a towel, my boxers were QUICKLY ripped off before I had a chance to protest. And all of a sudden, the towel is gone and the room explodes. There I am. Buttnaked in all my glory.

                Scientist have discovered that in moments of fear, a brain area called the amygdala becomes more active resulting in the perception that time has slowed down. Mine must have been working over time because I felt like Neo from The Matrix with my dick flapping in the wind. Several things rushed through my brain. “Should I run off stage?” “How do my abs look?” “Don’t panic Don’t panic”. After what seemed like an eternity the ladies grabbed me and laid me down on my back on the massage mat. They covered my “goodies” with the towel and proceeded to rub their breast all over me. Alright. Now this I can get with. They used various oils and what not, kissing and rubbing me all over. Then the real shocker. One of them decided it would be a great idea to give me a hand job.

                She went right under the towel and proceeded to jerk me off on stage. To the catcalls and hollers of the crowd, all three tried. But the funny/embarrassing thing………..I COULDN’T STAY HARD. By this point I had fully embraced the fact I was butt naked, being jerked off, in a room full of strangers. The look of shocked and bewilderment (or pity) on her face was priceless. So I did what any red blooded American male would do. I pretended I simply had some porn star stamina. I couldn’t embarrass my family, country, and race could I? As an African-American man I couldn’t just wave the white flag could I? Have to maintain those stereotypes. She eventually gave up and I stood to a nice little applause and off to the back with the ladies I went.

                Now behind in the backstage area I was treated to a rare look into the lives these women lead. I was immediately propositioned by two of the ladies wanting to “finish the job”. I politely declined and proceeded to dress. It was shortly after I began to dress than I noticed two children behind a small partition watching TV. Once the girls realized I wasn’t going to pay them for anything else they relaxed and we chatted a bit about where I’m from, what I do, and how long they’ve been performing these shows. I stayed back there for about 15 minutes and then rejoined my group.

                For the rest of the night I was the “guinea pig” for everything. I ate fruit off a naked woman, had darts shot at me from a vagina, and puffed a cigarette from a less than dry place. All in all. A pretty memorable night. The beauty of Thailand is what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand. Unless you have a travel blog……..with thousands of readers………and social media……….SHIT!!!!