One of the most common topics of conversation, when people find out what I do for a living, is dating. While I’m an open book, these conversations tend to become awkward. Simply because many aren’t used to speaking about dating and sex openly. Even though they might think they are. Dating is already complicated. And doing it overseas adds another level of frustration many aren’t prepared for. So I’m writing this piece for all the fellas, sorry ladies, because I haven’t seen much produced on this topic for us. So let’s get into it.
Money Matters in a lot of Cultures
Let’s get this out of the way first. Money matters. And this can be interpreted in many different ways. While in some cases it’s flat out as simple as you have money to buy whatever she wants, it also comes down to the ability to provide. In societies that embrace patriarchy, the man is expected to provide for the family financially. Not only the immediate family but the extended family as well. Economic prosperity becomes very attractive/important in these places. From a modern western perspective, this can be seen differently. “Gold digging” comes to mind. But what if you don’t have money?
The entire money thing is a matter of perspective. And how you navigate this is entirely on you. Personally, I have zero problems with a woman dating a man because he can provide for a family and her security. That’s traditional Erick talking. But I do have an issue with a woman dating a man only because he can buy her stuff. On the flip side, we often date women primarily because of their attractiveness so SAME-SAME.
This is a key consideration/issue when you’re navigating dating abroad. And it’s not something that’s exclusive to dating people outside of your home. You have to learn how to read someone’s intentions. If they are truly with you for you. And honestly, if you actually care if they are with you for you.
Whats Offensive at Home might not be Abroad
Going back to the money point, asking someone how much money they make/have isn’t offensive in many places. Expecting a woman to be a virgin before marriage is also the norm in many places. Some people are entirely against a homosexual lifestyle. So you have to understand that you’re entering a cultural minefield. From dating to simple social interactions. And it could take a lifetime to figure this out. So what do we do?
Research is always key. At this point, there are very few cultural norms that are entirely a mystery. The internet has changed the way people share information meaning we have access to a lot more. USE IT. And this might be a controversial tip but don’t change your beliefs and ethics because you happen to live in a place that goes against them.
Women Are Hustlers Also
A lot of the “scams” you read about and hear reported on tend to be centered around men. With the general image of a scammer being a man. But in many situations, women are the hustlers and prey on foreign men. I’ll be creating another piece about scams men need to watch out for. But I’ll explain one for you here. The Black Widow scam.
You’re at a bar or restaurant alone and a beautiful woman approaches you. Or maybe, you approach her. And you hit it off. She then invites herself to your room. While in the room she drugs you, in Argentina the drug is called Burundanga, and you pass out. She then robs you blind OR lets her “muscle/pimp” in to rob you. Hell, recently we saw Cardi B admitting to doing this in her stripper days.
This is just one example of how men are scammed abroad and you have to be aware of this. Too often I’ve observed men putting themselves in dangerous positions because we tend to be brought up to not look at women as threats. They can be.
And don’t give out your personal information. Now I’m not saying don’t tell people your real name. But I’m not not saying that. Lol. Imagine those Nigerian Prince scammers, there are real-life versions of them all around the world. And some are extremely beautiful, manipulative, and shady. Personal details should be kept to a minimum early on. Especially when it comes to money and life insurance.
Ease Up on the Alcohol
I’m a cocktail man. The perfect night starts with a good Negroni or Manhattan for me. So don’t take this as an anti-drinking point. But the simple truth is, alcohol abroad makes you a target to be taken advantage of. As explained above. Take a second and think about how many times you’ve fallen, blacked out, fought, lost something, or even ended up in jail because of alcohol at home. Now multiply the consequences by 10x abroad. It’s common knowledge that drunk men are frequently targeted by pickpockets and black widows. Contrary to popular belief, men are also victims of the date rape drug/drink spiking.
You don’t have to stop drinking. I haven’t. But you should be more conservative with the amount of alcohol you consume and stay vigilant when drinking in a new place. WATCH YOUR DRINK
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
Many men head overseas specifically looking for love. But I’m here to tell you, it’s not always greener on the other side. Sometimes, it’s a shit ton harder to create a lasting and honest relationship. Simply because there are so many barriers. Language, socioeconomics, and culture are just a few.
Fellas, sometimes we’re the problem. I can’t tell you how many messages I get from men asking “Where the dimes at?” “Where are the women showing brothers love?”. I get it guys. I truly do. And I always answer these questions from a place of empathy. But I’ve begun asking, why do you think you can’t find someone at home? In many cases, I believe many men think it’s easier to find women abroad or they’re looking for subservient women. And neither are negatives. BUT we have to be honest. The issue isn’t what you want. It’s about how you’re trying to get it.
Kindness is The New Language of Love
There appears to be a growing lack of kindness from men when it comes to women. I’m not sure the cause but I’m definitely seeing the end result. Women are becoming jaded and men are becoming ignorantly aggressive. An argument can be made that it’s getting tougher and tougher for men to understand what is an isn’t appropriate in the wake of “Me Too”. But kindness is always a good look. And it seems men in many other cultures haven’t really figured that out. When you treat women with respect and kindness they tend to respond favorably one way or another.
Be Honest with Her and Yourself
For those of us that are constantly on the road, dating can be tough. While it might be a bit easier for “expats” the things which can get in the way of a relationship still exist. But at the base level honesty is simply the best principle to operate by. This requires a certain level of self-awareness that many don’t have. So let me put it this way, STOP BULLSHITTING.
If you aren’t planning to stay in a place don’t tell her you are. If you only want to hook up then say that. YES, there’s this ridiculous cat and mouse game where people don’t want you to say what you really mean. This isn’t even entirely directed at dating abroad. This is a simple point that more of us have to adopt. Will it close some doors on your fun? YES!!! But I promise you, the long term benefits are phenomenal. Especially when you start exploring what you want sexually. Mind-blowing.
Be with Whoever Makes You Happy
The ONLY thing that should matter when making a decision to date someone is the happiness of you both (or all. Different dynamics). While family and friends might mean well, their distance from your relationship might make them a bit apathetic. This was quite common when I was in the military. Many soldiers would date and marry partners from Korea, Germany, the Philippines, and many other places we were stationed. Only to have their relationships judged and scrutinized by those back home. If someone is giving you first-hand insight into cultural norms that might come into play and make your relationship more difficult, sure. Listen. But stop taking advice from people that heard from a friends friend that heard from a cousin.
Be Sensitive to Cultural Norms
In many cases dating a foreigner, that means YOU, goes against strongly held community and familial norms. You have to make an effort to learn the cultural norms of your potential lover even if you don’t agree with them. I’m not saying adhere to them necessarily. Don’t compromise your beliefs. I’m saying don’t bash them unnecessarily. Making an effort can go a long way. Especially when it comes to learning another language. No one expects you to become fluent. But they do expect you to make an effort.
One of the biggest knocks against foreigners is we don’t assimilate well. This is particularly annoying to older generations. Usually your betrothed’s parents. But if they see you at least trying they’ll begin to accept you. At least usually.
Sexual Health and Child Support Law
We’re usually taught to think about health from an aesthetic and performance perspective. But sexual health is just as, if not more so, important. Sexual health isn’t something many of us grew up discussing openly with friends and family members. This has created a bit of a stigma around sex, sexuality, and sexual health. And for those of us from countries with relatively adequate sexual education, we can be a bit careless at times. STDs travel as well. Unfortunately, health services and education aren’t equal around the world. Resulting in some places having higher rates of STD infections. WRAP IT UP AND GET TESTED REGULARLY.
Everyone needs a friend or big brother to tell you the simple truth. I volunteer. Just because they look “clean” doesn’t mean they are. The responsibility of where your dick goes and is on you. Don’t be embarrassed to get tested. I assure you, your doctor isn’t. Many countries around the world offer free and confidential testing. Personally, I’m tested for all STDs including HIV twice a year. Sometimes 4 times depending on what’s going on. While I usually go to my regular doctor, sometimes the timing is off so I have to get tested elsewhere. The last time I was tested outside of my doctor was in London. I did a walk in appointment, had my blood and urine taken, then waited a week. I called a provided number and they gave me the results over the phone. I also had the option to have them texted to me. All free and confidential (hello Universal Healthcare).
One last tip, know what size condom you wear. So many men I’ve spoken with have no idea what size condom they wear. It’s the number usually on the back of the box. Somewhere between 48 and 59 usually. When traveling I suggest you bring your own. Depending on the country and your size, you might be left “hanging”. And that’s a recipe for disaster.
For those that dodge the STD bullet don’t think dropping a seed abroad makes you immune to responsibility. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child of 20 November 1989 basically means you’re going to be paying child support for any child you have abroad.
I’ve been living outside of the US since around 2012. In that time I’ve dated women from all around the world and consider myself lucky to still call many of them friends. While I think I’ve missed a couple opportunities at long term happiness, I believe that I’ve managed to have a fulfilling romantic life with limited broken hearts. And that’s because of the lessons i’ve learned and the principles I employ above. Each of you is going to have to decide how you want to approach this and I hope to hear from you fellas on this matter. The more we discuss this openly the more likely we are to fix some of the issues we face dating abroad.
